Reality is looming

In the past few days, a sinking feeling has come over me. Like a rock, deep in the pit of my stomach, it's just sitting there, and it's not moving. It's the approach of August 1st.

August 1st, as all teachers know, signals the little hourglass in your head to start releasing sand, counting down the days left of carefree summer fun. The signs have been coming for awhile now. The back to school ads have been peeking out at me from my coffee table. The kids down the street are already suiting up for football practice. Aubrey begins daycare next week.**

But today was the clincher. I got my "friendly email reminder" that my three month Stroller Strides package had expired. Ugh. It was like a punch to the gut. Not only do I still need that class, but I feel a little cheated. That was my time. My connection to other mommies and friends. My routine as a temporary stay-at-home-mom. It was my thing. And now it's ending.

Now I have to start thinking about going back to the breakneck pace of living two lives: full time teacher and full time Mommy. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and it makes me want to cry. Don't get me wrong. I do want to go back to work. I miss my coworker friends. I miss having relationships with kids who get my jokes and (sometimes) listen to my directions. I just don't miss it enough to want to give up the things I've been selfishly enjoying for nearly six months now. Like my Stroller Strides class. Like going to Costco in the middle of the morning on a Tuesday, when no one is there. Like making a doctor's appointment and not having to ask if they have a 4:30 slot available. Like getting laundry done during nap time so I'm not folding it in order to find my bed at 10:00 at night. In short, I rather enjoyed the freedom to decide how to spend my day.

I guess I should be thankful that I was able to have such an extensive maternity leave. Not many working moms can take six months to be at home and still have enough money to put dinner on the table. I have been lucky, and I recognize that. I just wish it all didn't have to end so soon......

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**Just a few hours at a time for the first few weeks, to build up my own resistance to the irrational urge I will have to race to the daycare in the middle of the day, snatch her up, run away and never look back. (I don't think that would be a good way to start my return to work after six months.)